Example Edit

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Last week the Brightsparks Poetry sessions focused on editing skills. Having absorbed the lesson like a karate kid in training one of the attending poets went away, wrote a piece, then with a little feedback from another Brightsparks Poet, came up with a possible alternate version. Version one is written up in the previous post. Version two is set out below with its edits in bold. The edits were made to maximise contrast (happy housewife/frustrated subtext) and also to maintain momentum, pace and rhythm.

Which do you rather? Can you see any other ways the piece could be edited? Let the author know by leaving a comment… 

The Housewife

Alarm set, alarm rings
Breakfast made, breakfast ate
Kids awoken,
kids packed up and off to school.

Pots washed, dried up and put away
Weather forecast says fine today.
Dirty clothes piled into the wash,
A few minutes alone, so you switch on the box.
Fern tells Philip about dresses and soaps.
Up next there’s a phone-in
“How do single mums cope?”

You think about preparing something for lunch.
and go to the shops though you’ve plenty of stuff.
When you get back, all the washing is done.
Hanging it out in the garden is ever so fun!
Watching the elderly creep past the gate
You look in the mirror,
but can’t see your face, then
before you know it’s a quarter past three

and the kids come home shouting
“tea, tea, tea!”
they start to fight
as you’re making the dinner, and
your husband arrives,
with a mood like a hitter
“You stupid cow,

what’s this muck on my plate?”
“Fine then you bastard
just throw it away!””
A little while later when the kids are asleep,
you go to the bathroom and you start to weep.
You get into bed, your eyes are all wet,
And then you remember,
the alarm needs to be set.

James

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